“Eh, he’s okay,” Bruce said snidely. “I’ll tell you what, though, he makes an excellent margarita.” He snorted. “Damn illegal immigrants.”

“Now, Bruce,” Elizabeth said with a coy smile, “you know I don’t drink – not without being forced to, anyway.”

“Well, then,” Bruce said, drawing her close, his voice growing husky, “I guess I’m just going to have to force you.”

“Speaking of which, I actually just came to ask you a few more questions for my article on date rape,” Elizabeth said quickly, extracting herself from his grip. Bruce Patman certainly is handsome, she thought. And dangerous.

He laughed condescendingly. “So that’s really what you came for,” he said teasingly. “Come on, Liz. You and I both know you came here tonight for another reason.”

Elizabeth had to admit, he had her there. She sighed. “You saw right through me, Bruce,” she said unhappily.

He put an arm around her shoulders. “Why don’t we go sit down and talk about it, he said soothingly, guiding her into the living room.

Elizabeth stared at the high ceilings, the marble-tiled floors, the imposing fireplace. There was no doubt about it; Bruce Patman was wealthy.

“Okay,” she said, her voice small.

They sat on the couch facing the fireplace. Bruce picked up a small black box with a button on it, aimed it at the fireplace, and pressed the button. A warm, glowing fire started up in the fireplace. Elizabeth had never seen anything like it.

“That’s very impressive, Bruce,” she said, eyeing the fireplace.

“We’re the only family in Sweet Valley who has one,” Bruce boasted. He gently turned Elizabeth’s face toward his. “But enough about me. Let’s talk about you.”

Elizabeth furrowed her brow. This was certainly a side of Bruce she had never seen before. Sure, he could be kind of a horny sleazebag at times, but he seemed different now. He seems almost sensitive, Elizabeth thought to herself. Sensitive like Todd is. Well, like he usually is. I just don’t know what’s gotten into him lately.

“Well, it’s Todd,” she began brokenly. “It seems he saw us together in The Oracle office the other day, and, well, now he kind of thinks there’s something romantic going on between you and I.”

“Oh, is that why the two of you have broken up?” Bruce asked, reaching for Elizabeth’s hand.

Elizabeth pulled back, horrified. “Broken up?” she cried in anguish. “Where did you hear that?”

Bruce shrugged. “It’s going around school,” he said simply.

“Did you hear it from Todd?” Elizabeth said. “Is that what he’s telling everyone?”

His face filled with concern. “I didn’t want to say anything, but there’s something else Todd is telling everyone as well,” Bruce said.

“What is it?” Elizabeth said, gasping. She couldn’t imagine that things could get any worse. Her boyfriend had officially broken up with her; she had a slutbag twin sister who did nothing but cause trouble and treat her like shit; her favorite teacher and advisor was acting bizarre and wouldn’t even talk to her; her best friend was missing in action; some oddball film director was counting her to star in a movie she wasn’t even interested in; her brother and Cara Walker were engaging in some questionable activity; and to top it all off, she was pretty sure she was about twenty seconds away from another attempted date rape at the hands of Bruce Patman!

“Well, he’s saying that he’s going to the dance on Friday,” Bruce said, pausing dramatically, “with Enid Rollins!”

“Enid!” Elizabeth gasped. “But I’m so much prettier than she is!”

“I thought she was your best friend,” Bruce said, shaking his head.

“Well, she is,” Elizabeth said quickly. “But you know how sometimes, girls are only friends with other girls who are uglier than them? You know, so it makes you look even better by comparison?”

Bruce looked confused. He always knew Elizabeth was smart, but maybe she was more of an intellectual than he’d first thought. An intellectual with big boobs! he thought to himself.

“But you – and Jessica – are the most beautiful girls in Sweet Valley!” he exclaimed. “Anyway, I was referring to the fact that your best friend is going to the dance with your boyfriend – ex-boyfriend,” he added.

“Oh, that,” Elizabeth said, her face reddening with embarrassment. “Well, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation,” she said. “I’m always willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.”

“That’s what I love about you,” he said softly. “Elizabeth, will you go to the dance with me on Friday?”

“I’d love to,” Elizabeth said. She felt marginally better – at least she wouldn’t be going to the dance alone – but how could she face Todd or Enid ever again?

“Hey, Lizzie,” Jessica said, bursting into Elizabeth’s room. “Where’d you go?”

“I went over to Bruce Patman’s house,” Elizabeth said defiantly.

“You mean Bruce Patman’s mansion,” Jessica said, settling down onto Elizabeth’s bed. Elizabeth’s room was as boring as she was, painted a bland, neutral shade of cream.

“Okay, okay,” Elizabeth said, laughing. She couldn’t stay mad with her sister for long, even though Jessica was a total bitch. “Bruce Patman’s mansion.”

“Well, do I have some gossip for you!” Jessica exclaimed in a singsong voice.

“Jess! Don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself!” Elizabeth cried, throwing up her hands in frustration.

“No, I don’t,” Jessica shot back nastily. “So do you want to hear this juicy gossip, or not?”

“Fine,” Elizabeth said, sighing. Fighting with Jessica was no use. Jessica would always win, because, as everyone in Sweet Valley knew, whatever Jessica wanted, Jessica got. And as her twin sister, Elizabeth knew it best.

“Okay, so you know that thing Cara and Steven did?” Jessica asked. Elizabeth nodded. “Well, they’re not the only ones who have done it!”

Elizabeth gasped. She felt as if she had been doing an awful lot of gasping lately. “Who else?” she asked weakly.

“Well, pretty much everyone in Pi Beta Alpha,” Jessica said. “And most of The Droids, although I heard that was kind of a group situation.”

“Group situation?” Elizabeth asked. “Never mind, Jess. I don’t think I want to know.”

Jessica shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

“This is awful!” Elizabeth cried. “Just awful!”

“I know!” Jessica complained. “I can’t believe all those losers have done it, and not me!”

“That’s not what I was talking about, Jess,” Elizabeth said. “This is worse than I first thought!”

“It’s not so bad,” Jessica said thoughtfully.

“Not so bad?” Elizabeth echoed. “This is worse than the time someone tried to steal mom’s face!”

“Or the time a girl who looked just like us but with brown hair tried to kill you and steal your identity.”

“Or the time her twin sister came back and tried to do the same thing.”

“Or the time amnesia turned you into a complete and total slut.”

“Or the time I had a sip of alcohol and killed your boyfriend in a DUI situation.”

“Or the time we mapped out our family trees and found out all about our family’s near-incestuous past.”

“In short, this is terrible,” Elizabeth moaned.