“I really need to figure out how to seduce Jayden beyond a hot and heavy makeout session,” Jessica said thoughtfully. “Maybe after the dance on Friday! Then, he’ll be madly in love with me, and he’ll have to cut all the other girls out of the film!”

“I don’t know, Jess,” Elizabeth said. “Isn’t it possible that Jayden is just taking advantage of you?”

“Nobody takes advantage of Jessica Wakefield!” Jessica exclaimed, her eyes flashing. “Jessica Wakefield takes advantage of everyone else!”

“No kidding,” Elizabeth said dryly, crossing her arms in front of her ample chest.

“Speaking of being taken advantage of, you’d better watch it with Bruce Patman,” Jessica warned. “He’ll probably make you clean his room or something.”

“No, he has Jesus to do that for him,” Elizabeth said dismissively.

“Jesus?” Jessica asked, confused.

“His South American midget servant,” Elizabeth explained. “Anyway, that’s not important. What is important, though, is that Todd asked Enid to the dance!”

“Todd and Enid?” Jessica asked. “But I thought your breakup was just temporary.”

“That’s what I thought, too,” Elizabeth said, her face darkening. “But if he’s asking another girl to the dance – my ugly best friend, no less – then I guess it’s worse than I thought.” She paused for dramatic effect. “So that’s why I’m going to the dance with Bruce,” she said simply.

“An excellent choice, Liz,” Jessica said approvingly. “He’s a senior, he’s hot and he’s rich.”

“Those aren’t the reasons I said yes to him,” Elizabeth said. “They’re the reasons you would say yes to him.”

“Um, correct me if I’m wrong, dear sister, but isn’t that about all Bruce Patman has going for him?” Jessica asked. “He’s kind of an ass, a potential date rapist, and he’s arrogant as hell. Also, he went out with a deaf girl. I mean, she was pretty and all, but what a loser! I’d never go out with somebody who had a disability.”

“Jessica, most of the boys you go out with have a learning disability,” Elizabeth shot back. “Also, Regina was a really nice girl! Too bad she had to be sacrificed to teach all of us a very special lesson about the dangers of teenage drug use.”

“Whatever,” Jessica said. “She was still deaf.”

“Oh my god, Jess!” Elizabeth said, raising her voice in frustration. “They fixed her hearing before she died! Her favorite band was The Droids! Well, their shitty music was the only music she ever heard, but still!”

“Well, thank god they fixed the bitch’s ears before she died,” Jessica said snidely, picking at a loose thread on Elizabeth’s comforter.

“Jessica!” Elizabeth said sharply. “That’s a horrible thing to say!”