Prom Baby! – Word count: 4,751

“I could say the same for Sam Woodruff,” Lila snapped. John was still a touchy subject with her; he had once tried to show her his junk up at Miller’s Point, a popular spot for Sweet Valley High students to park their cars and practice sexual restraint.
“Don’t get all bent out of shape, Lila,” Jessica said, breezing through several dresses on the sale rack. She held up a strapless pink gown. “What do you think about this one?”
Lila eyed the dress critically and shrugged. “It’s all right, if you want to look like you live in a split-level ranch on Calico Drive,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“But I do live in a – oh,” Jessica said, hastily shoving the dress back on the rack.
“There’s nothing here I like,” Lila said. “I think I’m going to have my dad bring me back something from Paris.”
Lila’s father spent most of his time traveling to European destinations and ignoring his only daughter. He had become a little nicer to her after she almost glimpsed John Pfeifer’s package, spiraled into a deep depression and falsely accused a school counselor of trying to rape her, but he still showed his love for his daughter mainly by purchasing Lila’s expensive clothing, jewelry and breast implants.
On their way out of Lisette’s, Jessica spotted a trashy-looking girl she thought she recognized as one of Big Mesa’s cheerleaders. “Look at that,” she hissed, poking Lila in the side and pointing at the girl. “I think that’s one of those bitches from Big Mesa.”
“Obviously,” Lila said in disgust. “She’s wearing a polyester hairpiece.”
“And she’s at least a size 8,” Jessica said.
The girl was walking toward them, an arrogant smirk on her face. She stopped short of Jessica and Lila. “You must be some of those uptight cheerleaders from Sweet Valley High,” the girl said, snapping a piece of gum loudly.
“I am NOT a cheerleader,” Lila said haughtily. “I don’t do physical activity.”
“Who are you calling uptight?” Jessica asked, her cheeks flushing with anger. “Between me and Annie Whitman, our cheerleading squad is really loose.”
“Besides, I hear Big Mesa girls date homeless guys,” Lila said. “But you do look pretty low-class, so I’m not surprised.”
The girl snorted and continued to snap her gum. Jessica thought briefly about kicking her in the throat, but then decided pulling her broke-ass weave and scratching at her eyeballs would be a more ladylike move. “We don’t date homeless guys,” she said, rolling her eyes. “We’re just using them for reproductive purposes. Not that you kids in Sweet Valley would know much about that.”
She laughed and stepped around Jessica and Lila. “We’re better reproducers than you!” Jessica screamed, making a grab for the girl’s hair and missing.
“What is this whore even talking about?” Lila mused, watching the retreating figure. “Reproductive purposes?”
“If we want to beat those Big Mesa bitches at their own game, we’ll have to actually pay attention to everything Mr. Collins says in that class,” Jessica said. “I’m not going to let that ho get away with calling us uptight!”

* * *

Right after first period on Tuesday morning, all of Sweet Valley High’s female students crowded into Mr. Collins’ classroom for their first lesson in reproductive health.
“All right, girls,” Mr. Collins said, surveying the class. “Some of you really don’t need to worry about this class, so I’m going to let a few of you go. Enid Rollins and Lois Waller, you’re excused from this class.” He squinted at the crowd of girls. “Tom, is that you in drag?”
A very masculine-looking girl sitting in the back of the room shook her head. “I’m … Thomasina McKay,” she said in a falsely high-pitched voice.
“Tom, get out of here,” Mr. Collins said, pointing to the door. A very disappointed Tom McKay took off his blonde wig as he left the room.
Jessica stifled a giggle as Tom walked past her. Elizabeth did her best to throw a concerned glance his way.
“So,” Mr. Collins said, rubbing his hands together and leaning back against his desk. “Reproduction.”
Lila sighed loudly and sat back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Is something wrong, Ms. Fowler?” Mr. Collins asked. Lila shook her head. “All right, girls, I’m going to be up front with you. Some of the topics we’ll be discussing in this class might make you slightly uncomfortable. But it shouldn’t make you any more uncomfortable than you usually feel in my English class.”
Elizabeth sat up straight, her pen poised over the notebook she always carried in her bra. She made some notes.
“When a man and a woman love each other very much – no, wait,” Mr. Collins began. “Scratch that. When a man is attracted to an underage girl, well, things can happen.”
Elizabeth raised her hand. “What kind of things?”
Mr. Collins smiled. “I think you already know the answer to that, Elizabeth,” he said. “You, Penny, Olivia – well, any girl on The Oracle staff, really – might call it ‘student advisement.’”
“Oh,” said Elizabeth, confused. “What does that have to do with reproduction?”
“It doesn’t really,” Mr. Collins said. “I’m very careful. But accidents do sometimes happen.”
“Accidents?” Jessica whispered to Lila, who shrugged.
“Just ask Annie Whitman,” Mr. Collins continued, looking pointedly at Annie, who slunk lower in her seat. Elizabeth threw Annie a condescending yet sympathetic glance. “Annie, could you please tell us about your experiences?”
“Mr. Collins, I’m sorry, but I don’t really feel like that’s anyone’s business,” Annie said quietly, staring down at the floor.
“Don’t worry, Mr. Collins, we already know,” Lila said snootily. “Annie’s a slut.”
“But I was nice enough to let her join the cheerleading squad after she scammed me into it by overdosing on Tylenol,” Jessica added. “Even if she does hold hands with an awful lot of boys at Miller’s Point.”
“Settle down, girls,” Mr. Collins said. “Annie, I think it is everyone’s business, especially since we all know you have the herps.”
Tears welled up in Annie’s eyes. “Mr. Collins,” Elizabeth said quickly, “I think we need to maybe focus more on the reproductive health curriculum and less on Annie’s romantic transgressions.”
Behind her, Elizabeth heard Amy Sutton stifle a laugh.
“Elizabeth, this is important,” Mr. Collins said. “Too much time up at Miller’s Point, and you girls will end up like those skanks up at Big Mesa. Now, can anyone tell me what boobs are for?”
Lila’s hand shot up. “Daddy says they’re for trophy wives,” she said.
Mr. Collins shook his head. “Anyone else?”
“Holding up a strapless maillot, preferably in gold or white,” Jessica answered.
“Wrong. However, Jessica, if you want extra credit, wear a strapless maillot to class tomorrow,” Mr. Collins said. “Amy, that goes for you as well. You’re pretty vapid, so I know you’re always in need of a little extra credit.”
Just then, the bell rang, and the students gathered their books and papers and started flooding out of the classroom. Elizabeth stopped at Mr. Collins’ desk on her way out.
“Mr. Collins, can I talk to you for a minute?” she asked, hugging her books to her chest. Mr. Collins stared intently at the books and nodded without meeting her eyes.
“What’s going on, Elizabeth?” he asked.
She looked down. “If you want my math book, Mr. Collins, I’d be glad to give it to you,” she said.
“Uh, no thanks, that’s all right,” he said.
“Oh, OK, well, I was just thinking that with the teen pregnancy prom coming up, as well as our new class and the recent events at Big Mesa, I might write a story for The Oracle,” she said. “I think it’s a huge issue that I can get really sanctimonious about.”
Mr. Collins sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know, Elizabeth. Can you stop by The Oracle office after school? I might need to heavily advise you on this one,” he said.
“Of course, Mr. Collins,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll see you at three o’clock.”

* * *

Lila eyed her school lunch skeptically. “I can’t believe we have to take that stupid reproductive health class,” she said, wrinkling her nose in disgust as she bit into a grilled chicken sandwich. “I also can’t believe my dad gave Eva the week off. This stuff is toxic.”
“Not all of us can afford servants to make sushi for lunch every day,” said Elizabeth, who wasn’t quite sure why she was sitting at a lunch table with Lila, Jessica and Amy.
“Eva doesn’t make me sushi every day,” Lila said. “Only on Wednesdays.”
“The health class is totally lame,” said Amy. She took a sip of her diet soda and then laughed. “But did you see the look on Annie Whitman’s face when Mr. Collins said she had the herps? Priceless!”

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11 2009

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  1. 1

    I love this so so much.

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