Prom Baby! – Word count: 10,094

* * *

“Well, I can assure you, no baby will ever come out of my vag,” Lila said, idly flipping through an issue of Ingenue magazine as she lay across her four-poster bed. “Do you know how much plastic surgery would be required to put it back together?”
“A lot,” Jessica admitted, gesturing with one of the pregnancy books. “But those Big Mesa bitches can’t afford plastic surgery. So I guess they’re all loose and shit.”
Lila shuddered. “Let’s not even talk about Big Mesa vag. Everyone knows Sweet Valley High girls have much better cooches, anyway.”
“Our camel toes ARE on display every time we go to the beach,” Jessica mused. “Anyway, now that we know how to get pregnant, we need to get started. The teen pregnancy prom is only two weeks away.”
“Look at this article,” Lila said, holding up the magazine so Jessica could see. “It’s about how celebrities are all adopting kids these days.”
“So?” Jessica said, annoyed.
“So, I’m not wrecking my lady bits for some prom,” Lila said. “I’ll just adopt a kid. African kids are very trendy these days, according to Ingenue.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. Lila could be so smug sometimes. “Well, while you’re calling your daddy for money to cover the adoption fees, I’ll be sleeping with every guy in town.”
“Your standards are so low,” Lila said. “Try to at least get someone who belongs to the country club.”
“You’re not planning on trying for prom queen, are you?” Jessica said, her eyes narrowing. “I’m sure no one at Sweet Valley High will vote for a girl who decided to adopt a child. After all, it is the teen pregnancy prom.”
“Jessica, honestly. You’re the only person in the world who gives a shit about some stupid rhinestone crown,” Lila said, sticking her nose up in the air. “I heard Todd Wilkins is going to be making the crown, anyway.”
Jessica laughed loudly. “You must be joking,” she said. “Todd’s only good at, like, basketball, being cheated on and pushing people into pools.”
“Don’t forget punching people,” Lila said as she continued to idly flip through the magazine.
Jessica sighed. “Too bad Todd is going out with Elizabeth. I bet he’s good at getting girls pregnant, too.”
Lila snorted. “Since when has that stopped you from going after Todd?”
Jessica narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. Maybe Lila’s got a point, she thought to herself. Todd would make the perfect father of my children!

* * *

“Mr. Collins, I know where babies come from,” Elizabeth said before class on Friday. “If it’s all right with you, I’d like to try to write the article, and then you and Mr. Cooper can look over it and determine whether we can run it in The Oracle. I promise I won’t mention anything about you being a sex offender. Mr. Collins?”
“Huh?” Mr. Collins said, shaking himself out of his reverie. He had been staring at Elizabeth’s ample bosom again.
“I said, I’m going to write the article, and then you and Mr. Cooper can decide if we can run it,” Elizabeth repeated. She looked down at her shirt, a light blue turtleneck. “Did I spill something on my shirt, Mr. Collins?”
“No, Elizabeth,” he said, smiling at her. “But I might.”
Elizabeth laughed. Although she was uncertain what Mr. Collins meant, she was sure it must be some kind of joke. Mr. Collins had a great sense of humor. It was just one of the many reasons Sweet Valley High students loved him so much.
Sweet Valley’s female students filed into the classroom behind Elizabeth and took their seats. Reluctantly, Mr. Collins told Elizabeth she ought to sit down, and she took her usual seat in the center of the front row, where Mr. Collins could get a good look at her breasts.
“All right, girls, settle down,” Mr. Collins said as the chattering girls took their seats. “Today, we’re going to talk about the male’s role in human reproduction. This is one of my favorite topics, and I think you can all learn a lot from me.”
Dana Larson, lead singer of The Droids, raised her hand. “So, what if I’m not interested in reproducing with a male?” she asked. “Or reproducing at all, really. I fucking hate tradition. I’m all punk and shit.”
“Dana, Dana, Dana,” Mr. Collins said sympathetically, walking over to her desk and giving her a slow, sensual back rub, “you just haven’t found the right man yet. Stop by and see me after school.”
“Cut the crap, Collins,” Lila said from the back of the room. “Jessica Wakefield knows all about getting pregnant, and she’s spread it around half the school.”
“God damn it!” Mr. Collins exploded. “Jessica, who told you about that? When I get my hands on Bruce fucking Patman…”
“It wasn’t Bruce who told me,” Jessica said. “I actually read a book!”
Mr. Collins – and practically everyone in the class – laughed heartily. “Come on, Jessica, everyone knows you’re functionally illiterate.”
“No, I really read it,” Jessica protested. “Elizabeth, tell them!”
“She did read about it, Mr. Collins. It took her about three days to read 50 pages, but she finally figured it out,” Elizabeth said.
“Girls,” Mr. Collins said, pressing a hand to his eyes, “some of the information you’ve uncovered may be wrong. As your teacher and Sweet Valley’s resident pedophile, I need to set the record straight.”
Maria Santelli raised her hand. “After hearing what Jessica had to say, I have to tell you that I’m pretty sure you knocked me up last time you advised me,” she said.
“Maria, that’s just not possible,” Mr. Collins said. “I pulled out just in time!”
Maria looked down at her desk. “Well, it certainly wasn’t Winston that did it,” she said. “He can’t even get it up.”
“Well, then, Maria, you call me in nine months and let me know if your baby looks like an infant Robert Redford,” Mr. Collins snapped.
Elizabeth raised her hand. “Actually, Mr. Collins, a typical gestation period in Sweet Valley is two weeks or by the time the next big dance rolls around, whichever comes first.”


Jessica threw her lunch tray down and flopped into a chair next to Lila. “I can’t believe Maria Santelli, of all people, is the first girl at Sweet Valley High to get knocked up,” she said in a huff. “I’m the most attractive girl at school!”
“Her father is the mayor, so I’m sure he has a lot of pull with the school board,” Lila sniffed. “He probably made Mr. Collins do it.”
“I need to get on it – fast,” Jessica fumed. She spotted Todd sitting by himself across the room. “Hang on a minute, Lila. I’m going to talk to Todd for a minute.”
“Oh, Todd,” Jessica sang out as she seated herself at his table. “Waiting for someone?”
Todd’s head snapped up. “No, Jessica,” he said nervously. “I mean, yeah. Ken – no, wait, Elizabeth.”
“I’m the next best thing,” Jessica purred, leaning toward Todd so he could get a good look down her slinky tank top. She placed a hand on his thigh, and Todd squirmed uncomfortably.
“Jessica,” he said with a nervous laugh, “you’re getting a little close to my, uh, junk.”
“That’s just what I wanted to talk to you about,” she said, moving her hand a little bit higher.
“Oh, really?” Todd said, his face turning redder by the second.
“Yes, really,” Jessica said, batting her eyelashes seductively. “Todd, I want you to impregnate me.”
“What?” Todd squeaked.
“Come on, Todd, you know what I’m talking about,” Jessica said, gazing into Todd’s eyes, which were the shade of some sort of fancy-ass espresso drink. “You can’t be the queen of the teen pregnancy prom without being a pregnant teen.”
“Jessica, I couldn’t possibly enter a woman,” he said, before adding quickly, “A woman who’s not Elizabeth.”
Jessica snorted. “You and I both know Elizabeth doesn’t put out,” she said. “Not for you, anyway. This might be the closest you ever get to banging her.”
“I’m sure I’ll get many more chances with you, Jessica,” Todd said. “But right now, I just can’t. I hope you understand.” He removed Jessica’s hand from his leg and braced himself for the bitch slap he knew he was about to receive.
Luckily, the blow he was anticipating didn’t come. Jessica was already halfway back to Lila’s table. Todd shuddered. He’d dodged a bullet this time, but it was only a matter of time before Elizabeth would come around demanding sperm.

* * *

Elizabeth leaned over her desk, exhausted. It had been a long week, and between her article on the pregnant skanks at Big Mesa, the homework for Mr. Collins’ reproductive health class – which mainly consisted of meeting him after school in The Oracle’s darkroom – and planning the prom, Elizabeth had taken on more than she’d bargained for.
Such is the life of an overachiever, she scribbled in her journal. But this prom is going to be the best one ever! Enid is really eager to help. She’s stopped by almost every night this week. On a completely unrelated note, my favorite yellow barrettes are missing.
“Hey, Liz,” Jessica said, busting into Elizabeth’s room without knocking, “are you going to the prom with Todd or what?”
“Of course I’m going to the prom with Todd,” Elizabeth answered.
Jessica sat down heavily on Elizabeth’s bed, putting a wrinkle in the perfectly straightened bedspread. “Well?”
“Well what?” Elizabeth asked. She turned around in her chair to face her twin. “I answered your question, didn’t I?”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re supposed to know what I’m thinking at all times, Elizabeth,” she said. “What I want to know is, are you pregnant yet?”
“No!” Elizabeth said, horrified. “But I am prepared to give condescending shoulder pats to any girls who find themselves in such a predicament. I think I was really able to help Maria this afternoon when I gave her the side-eye for two hours.”
“Liz, you can’t go to a teen pregnancy prom and not be pregnant,” Jessica said. “Do you think you can get Todd to jack it into a cup or something for me?”
“Not Todd, no,” Elizabeth said thoughtfully. “Mr. Collins, definitely.”
Jessica laughed. “If I wanted Mr. Collins to knock me up, I’d just stop by The Oracle office after school,” she said. “I’m not having my baby fathered by the same man who got with Maria Santelli! That’s like secondhandedly fucking Winston Egbert.”
“Why don’t you try Bruce Patman?” Elizabeth asked, rubbing her eyes. “I’m sure he’d do it.”
“I’d really like to be conscious for the experience,” Jessica said.
“Bruce isn’t that bad,” Elizabeth said. “I’ve slept with him before and been completely conscious. OK, semi-conscious.”
“The father of my baby really needs to be special,” Jessica said, jumping off the bed and pacing around Elizabeth’s room. “He needs to be super rich, and very good-looking. And famous. If I have a celebrity father my baby, I’ll be guaranteed to win the title of prom queen!”
“Where are you going to find someone like that?” Elizabeth yawned. “Your expectations are impossible, Jessica.”
“Of course my expectations are impossible. I’m a Wakefield twin,” Jessica said, flouncing out of the room.

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11 2009

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