OK, so I’m not going to lie to you. If you HAAAAAATED SV Confidential, you won’t enjoy “The Sweet Life.” If however, you are like me and cannot tear yourself away from some CRAZY-ASS SHIT, there is plenty for you to “WTF?” over.

Elizabeth’s biological clock: Seriously, this bitch’s ovaries are in overdrive. I am surprised she is not poking holes in BPattz’s condoms (Gold-digging 101).

An inexplicable mention of the Watusi

Spawn of Jessica: Who we really don’t see, since his nanny takes care of his ass 24/7, although he does cover Jessica in actual feces, so there’s that.

The physical description of Todd’s fling: She sounds like something straight out of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.

2 Guys, 1 Cup: So, apparently Steven and Aaron mixed sperm and inseminated a surrogate mom, who sounds like a bi0tch (or at least has “bitch eyes”). Is it wrong that I hope she shows up later in the series like the second (third?) coming of crazy Margo (or like this batshit bitch)?

Attachment-parenting Aaron: Y’all, Aaron Dallas has been hanging out with the granola mom crowd.

Easy Annie, attorney to the stars: I think she’s defending Lindsay Lohan over a coochie-flashing incident or something.

MOAR LILA: Not only is there more Lila, but she picks a portion of her plot line straight out of “The Room.” (YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LILA!)

Concern troll Liz: “Oh, hai, potential rape victim! Let me give you the LIZ WAKEFIELD STARE OF CONCERN.”

Bruce Patman gets roofied: Or woozy from, you know, food poisoning.

The first three e-books are out now; the next three will be released over the next three Sundays. Thanks to Macmillan/St. Martin’s Press for providing advance review copies of “The Sweet Life” and “The Sweet Life 2: Lies and Omissions.” Oh, and they are $1.99, which is I think what you used to pay for a SVH book back in the day, so you can feel all retro while you download a book to your magical e-reader.