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» Mr. Collins

Posts Tagged ‘Mr. Collins’

Post-coital Tristesse – Word count: 1,672

Post-coital Tristesse

by saucytemptress

One
Sweet Valley

Elizabeth Wakefield packed the last of the belongings from her desk — a framed photo of her family, her well-worn journal, a lone yellow barrette — and took one last look at the newsroom that had, for the past five years, been her home.

Penny Ayala had broken the news to Elizabeth just that morning. With her typical no-nonsense, ball-busting attitude, the editor had called Elizabeth into her office.

“We’re going to an online-only publication,” Penny had said, barely looking up from her computer screen.

Elizabeth’s brow had furrowed in concentration. Ever the seasoned reporter, she’d taken the small, spiral-bound notebook she kept nestled in between her breasts in case of breaking news and started to write down everything Penny was saying. Wakefield twin TMI ahead

01

11 2010

Prom Baby! – The full story

Prom Baby! – Word count: 50,000

“Oh, that is it!” Elizabeth said angrily, tossing her newborn little boy over her shoulder and hoping Winston would catch him. She scrambled to her feet, walking with purpose toward Satan. “Mr. Satan, I’ll have you know I had absolutely nothing to do with this. I’m Saint Elizabeth fucking Wakefield!”
“You had nothing to do with this?” the devil asked, sweeping his hand to indicate the carnage in the Sweet Valley High parking lot. “Whose idea was it to slaughter hundreds of Big Mesa students by locking them in the gym and blowing it up?”
“Hey, I flashed Randy Mason twenty-two times just so the gym wouldn’t blow up,” Elizabeth countered. “That has to count for something, right?” OMG 666

26

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 47,447

Jessica felt a tight pain in her abdomen and looked down. It took her a minute to remember that she hadn’t just gained 10 pounds and was actually pregnant – and about to give birth!
She pulled herself up into a sitting position, looking around in a daze. The gym had nearly emptied out, with just a few stragglers remaining. “I have to find Elizabeth,” she groaned, clutching at her stomach. “She’ll know exactly what to do.”
Squinting, Jessica caught sight of her twin being led outside, propped up by Enid on one side and Mr. Collins on the other. Elizabeth was struggling against them, trying to turn back toward Jessica, and Jessica knew that despite the fact that she had been a total bitch to Elizabeth all their lives, Elizabeth was trying to get to her twin.
“Elizabeth! I’m over here!” Jessica called loftily. “I need you to come carry me out of here!” Jessica sucks, but she’s still somehow the more appealing Wakefield twin

25

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 45,389

Enid grabbed a girl by her hair and threw a hard knee to her throat. Glancing behind her, she could see that several Big Mesa students had breached the gym. Her first thought was for Elizabeth’s safety.
“I’ve got to get back into the gym,” Enid said, throwing an elbow to a large girl to her right. “Do you guys think you can manage this?”
Todd nodded and punched two guys at once as if to prove his point. Todd punch action in full effect

24

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 41,666

“Oh,” Lila said condescendingly. “Well, when you see Jessica, tell her to come find me, OK? I can’t wait to show off little Rich!”
“Sure, Lila,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll be sure to tell her.”
Lila turned away, searching for someone else to brag to. She started in Amy’s direction, but Elizabeth caught her arm.
“Lila, wait,” she said. Lila turned a curious eye to her. “After the prom queen is crowned, get out of the gym, OK?”
“Why would I want to do that?” Lila asked. “That’s when the fun will just be getting started!”
“That’s when the fun will just be getting started for Big Mesa,” Elizabeth said darkly.
“What are you planning?” Lila asked, trying to control her voice so it wouldn’t give away the note of fear that sounded in her head like an alarm.
“Let’s just say we took a page from John Pfeifer’s book,” Elizabeth said ominously. Bombs, bombs, bombs

23

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 39,462

“Elizabeth, you did it!” Mr. Collins said, picking up Elizabeth and twirling her around in an inappropriate fashion. “I don’t know how you came up with the religious angle, but it worked perfectly!”
He moved in as if to kiss his star student, but was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder from Mr. Wakefield.
“Mr. Collins, as your attorney, I would strongly advise you not to kiss a 16-year-old girl in the same courtroom where you were just acquitted of child molestation.” Everyone’s ready to pop

21

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 37,533

Enid lay in wait under a clump of bushes on the very edge of Big Mesa High School’s parking lot. She would wait until the cheerleaders and football, soccer and tennis players left practice and walked out to their cars, then pick them off one by one. She still had the broken root beer bottle and Elizabeth’s trusty barrette by her side. She’d also sharpened a ballpoint pen into a homemade shank.
She heard a high-pitched giggle and peered out from between the leaves. Two girls with tennis rackets were cutting across the parking lot, laughing and rubbing their ample stomachs. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around. A perfect opportunity to get rid of two at once! Enid thought. She closed a fist around the homemade shank and crept out of the bushes. Enid shanks a bitch, plus an unlikely trial

20

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 34,960

“All right, girls,” Mr. Jaworski said, sitting down behind Mr. Collins’ desk. “I guess the first thing we’ll do is take attendance.” It took almost half an hour for Mr. Jaworski to call out all the names of the girls in the class, noting that Elizabeth was missing. “OK. Now that we’ve done that, let’s all read our textbooks quietly to ourselves.”
“But we don’t even have textbooks,” Amy said. “Mr. Collins usually just talks to us about his own experiences with the female reproductive system.”
“Well, I’m afraid I can’t do that,” said Mr. Jaworski, pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Because you don’t want to get arrested, like Mr. Collins?” Caroline asked.
“No,” Mr. Jaworski said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “because I’ve never been with a woman.” Let’s be real, Mr. Collins is a pimp

20

11 2009

Prom Baby! – Word count: 32,067

“Oh, hi, Enid,” Elizabeth said, laughing nervously. “You’re home. I wasn’t expecting you to actually pick up. Oh, wow, this is awkward…”
“It doesn’t have to be awkward, Liz,” Enid said quickly. “I’ll do anything you want me to. Anything.”
“Then don’t fight with anyone from Big Mesa,” Elizabeth said desperately. “Please, Enid.”
“Why would I fight with anyone from Big Mesa?” Enid asked. “I’m not fighting with anyone. Except you. Unless you let me touch your boob.”
“OK, Enid, this is getting weird,” Elizabeth said. “I was just kidding about the boob thing. This isn’t slash, you know?” But it’s uncomfortably close

19

11 2009