“Everyone in this school is pregnant,” Jessica fumed to Lila before school on Monday. “Everyone but me.”
“Don’t look at me,” Lila said. “My kid’s on order from Africa.”
“I mean, have you seen Rosa Jameson?” Jessica said. “She’s had five kids since last week.”
“We had a cleaning lady with the same problem,” Lila said soberly. Jessica whines some more

* * *

“Well, I can assure you, no baby will ever come out of my vag,” Lila said, idly flipping through an issue of Ingenue magazine as she lay across her four-poster bed. “Do you know how much plastic surgery would be required to put it back together?”
“A lot,” Jessica admitted, gesturing with one of the pregnancy books. “But those Big Mesa bitches can’t afford plastic surgery. So I guess they’re all loose and shit.”
Lila shuddered. “Let’s not even talk about Big Mesa vag. Everyone knows Sweet Valley High girls have much better cooches, anyway.” BTW, Palisades cooch is even lower class

“We still didn’t find out what boobs are for,” Jessica said thoughtfully, chewing on a french fry. “Hey, Liz, aren’t you going to eat that brownie?” She reached over and snagged the fudge-covered brownie off Elizabeth’s tray. “Aren’t you going to eat any of your lunch? Give it here. I’m starving.”
“Who cares what boobs are for?” Lila said. “This class is a major bore.”
“Have you forgotten about that skanky bitch from Big Mesa?” Jessica asked. “Do you want her and all the other a-holes from Big Mesa to think they’re better than us?” I bet Bruce Patman knows what boobs are for

“I could say the same for Sam Woodruff,” Lila snapped. John was still a touchy subject with her; he had once tried to show her his junk up at Miller’s Point, a popular spot for Sweet Valley High students to park their cars and practice sexual restraint.
“Don’t get all bent out of shape, Lila,” Jessica said, breezing through several dresses on the sale rack. She held up a strapless pink gown. “What do you think about this one?”
Lila eyed the dress critically and shrugged. “It’s all right, if you want to look like you live in a split-level ranch on Calico Drive,” she said, rolling her eyes. But it has a Spanish-tiled kitchen

Elizabeth guided the Jeep into another spot and Jessica flung open the door, jumping out before Elizabeth could even put the car in park. She ran off to catch up with Robin.

“Hey, Liz!”

As Elizabeth stepped out of the Jeep, she turned to see her best friend, Enid Rollins, running across the parking lot toward her. Enid was average-looking at best and had a meth problem she liked to keep on the down low, but her personality was just boring enough to make Elizabeth seem exciting by comparison. More twisted perfection

A loud series of bumps and moans starting coming from upstairs, causing the giant, cut-glass chandelier in the living room to sway. It glittered as it shook, scattering prismlike points of light across the room. Lila looked up at it nervously.

“Jesus, is that your sister?” Bruce asked, his eyes straying upward to the ceiling. His facial expression was a mixture of wonder, surprise and lust.

“You know Jessica!” Elizabeth exclaimed with a laugh. She shook her head. “She always has to be the center of attention.”

“Yeah, but does she have to do it all over my wing of the house?” Lila said, making a face. “I’m probably going to have to throw away a mattress or two. And if she breaks that chandelier, I’m going to murder her. Do you know how much that cost?” More twisted perfection inside

“So, what did you think?” Jayden asked Jessica after the film was finished and the lights were brought back up. He took her hand and looked deep into her eyes.

“It was absolutely fabulous,” Jessica squealed. “You’re such a brilliant filmmaker. And I’m so incredibly hot – how could you have gone wrong?”

“We do make a good team, Jessica Wakefield,” Jayden said, giving her a soft punch on the arm.

It was as if she’d been knocked back into reality from her reverie of being ridiculously rich and famous. Jessica looked around for her twin. “Where’s Elizabeth?” she asked, sounding a little worried.

“I don’t know,” Jayden replied. “I was too busy watching pieces of hot young ass get it on to really pay attention to where she and Bruce went.” More twisted perfection inside

“I’m not insecure,” she mumbled into his chest. “A raging sociopath, maybe, but certainly not insecure.”

The music stopped, and everyone clapped. The Droids really are the most awesome band in Sweet Valley, Jessica thought to herself.

“Ugh, thank god they’re done,” Jayden said, refusing to clap.

Jessica pulled back and turned toward the stage. “Shh,” she said to Jayden. “I think they’re about to make an announcement.”

Dana Larson took a minute to catch her breath before taking the microphone again. “What’s happening, Sweet Valley?” she yelled into the microphone. A loud cheer erupted from the crowd. “Now, in just a few minutes, we’re going to announce the recipient of the Pi Beta Alpha makeover for the beautily-challenged. You still have time to vote on which one of Sweet Valley High’s female students most needs a makeover, so be sure to cast your ballot right here in front of the stage in the next few minutes.”

The crowd cheered again, and Dana laughed and gestured with her hands for them to settle down. “In the meantime, enjoy this song, written and performed by our guest artist and Guy Chesney’s girlfriend, Lynne Henry. She wrote it especially for tonight, and it’s called ‘I Was Once an Ugly Loser, but Then I Got a Makeover and a Boyfriend and Now I’m Totally Better Than You (Except for You, Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, Because You’re Totally Cooler Than Me Still)’.” The crowd clapped as Lynne took the stage. “Enjoy, everyone!” Dana called. “And don’t forget to vote!” More twisted perfection inside

Mr. Collins leafed through the pages of The Oracle. The paper was a rag, no doubt about it. The only reason he was involved with it in the first place was to spend a little more time getting to know some of the students a little bit better.

“Hi, everyone,” Elizabeth said, bursting through the door of The Oracle office. She was slightly out of breath, her bosoms heaving.

“Speak of the devil,” Penny said dryly. “Elizabeth, I’m just pasting up your column.”

“Oh, let me see,” Elizabeth said, hovering over Penny’s shoulder. “It looks great, Penny,” she said warmly.

“Oh, joy,” Penny said, a note of annoyance creeping into her voice. “I received some praise from one of the Wakefield twins.” More twisted perfection inside

“What?” Jessica said, pouting. “It’s true.” She stood up. “I’m out of here. If you need me, I’ll be on the phone, or doing leg lifts, or coming up with some new bitchy scheme to screw over you or one of my friends.”

“Fine!” Elizabeth yelled as Jessica slammed the door behind her. “If you need me, I’ll be writing my Eyes and Ears column!”

She sat down at her typewriter and began to pound furiously on the keys. Maybe it was time to give Jessica a taste of her own medicine. I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this before! she thought to herself. Then again, I’m not Jess. It took nearly three hours to write her five-inch column, but when it was finished, Elizabeth looked it over with satisfaction. They’ll all be sorry when this comes out! More twisted perfection inside