“Even so,” Lila said, wrinkling her nose, “you wouldn’t catch me doing something as pathetic as taking charity from someone like that.” She gave Marshall a cute little wave from across the pool. “Hi, sweetie!”

Marshall grunted and stared at a spot somewhere above Lila’s head.

“Doesn’t Marshall have some, like, children or grandchildren? You know, a rich, hot heir to the Stanton fortune…” Jessica’s voice trailed off dreamily.

Lila snorted. “Yeah, right. You think they’d let you anywhere near their bank account?”

“Why not? I have blue-green eyes the color of the Pacific ocean, a tiny dimple in my left cheek when I smile, a perfect size-six figure, and I’m a fucking Wakefield twin,” Jessica said, listing all of her best attributes. Winston gets all hip

Less than a week to go before Four Minutes Older is back and taking on Sweet Valley Confidential. If you haven’t already checked out the scandalous first chapter that details Liz’s sexual hangups and love of Beyonce, head over to www.sweetvalleytenyearslater.com.

Also, I am proud to have been the catalyst for someone’s wet dream about Bruce Patman.

So, was anyone else underwhelmed with the preview of “Sweet Valley Confidential”? I mean, it’s nice to know that Elizabeth cries when she comes and all, but a Sweet Valley without a date-rapist Bruce Patman is a Sweet Valley I don’t want any part of.

I’m gearing up to tackle “Sweet Valley Confidential” Four Minutes Older style. Join me for day-shift hooker Jessica, gold-diggin’ Lila and a Bruce who still has the balls to attempt date rape!

Full text of this year’s NaNo, “Prom Baby!” after the jump. If you are looking for the 2007 NaNo, “Double Penetration,” click here. NSFW – or any occasion, really

“Oh, that is it!” Elizabeth said angrily, tossing her newborn little boy over her shoulder and hoping Winston would catch him. She scrambled to her feet, walking with purpose toward Satan. “Mr. Satan, I’ll have you know I had absolutely nothing to do with this. I’m Saint Elizabeth fucking Wakefield!”
“You had nothing to do with this?” the devil asked, sweeping his hand to indicate the carnage in the Sweet Valley High parking lot. “Whose idea was it to slaughter hundreds of Big Mesa students by locking them in the gym and blowing it up?”
“Hey, I flashed Randy Mason twenty-two times just so the gym wouldn’t blow up,” Elizabeth countered. “That has to count for something, right?” OMG 666

Jessica felt a tight pain in her abdomen and looked down. It took her a minute to remember that she hadn’t just gained 10 pounds and was actually pregnant – and about to give birth!
She pulled herself up into a sitting position, looking around in a daze. The gym had nearly emptied out, with just a few stragglers remaining. “I have to find Elizabeth,” she groaned, clutching at her stomach. “She’ll know exactly what to do.”
Squinting, Jessica caught sight of her twin being led outside, propped up by Enid on one side and Mr. Collins on the other. Elizabeth was struggling against them, trying to turn back toward Jessica, and Jessica knew that despite the fact that she had been a total bitch to Elizabeth all their lives, Elizabeth was trying to get to her twin.
“Elizabeth! I’m over here!” Jessica called loftily. “I need you to come carry me out of here!” Jessica sucks, but she’s still somehow the more appealing Wakefield twin

Enid grabbed a girl by her hair and threw a hard knee to her throat. Glancing behind her, she could see that several Big Mesa students had breached the gym. Her first thought was for Elizabeth’s safety.
“I’ve got to get back into the gym,” Enid said, throwing an elbow to a large girl to her right. “Do you guys think you can manage this?”
Todd nodded and punched two guys at once as if to prove his point. Todd punch action in full effect

Suddenly, Jessica felt her head being yanked backward by some unseen force. The prom queen crown was ripped from her head with such force it made her yell.
“What the fuck?” Jessica cried, straightening up and placing both hands on the top of her head, which was sensitive from the blow.
“Todd!” Ken cried in surprise.
“You have a lot of nerve, Jessica Wakefield,” Todd said, waving the crown in Jessica’s face. “Wearing the crown that I made to the prom as if you had it in the bag?”
“I fucking do have it in the bag,” Jessica retorted, smoothing down her hair. “I’m a Wakefield twin, remember?” Todd delivers a raging bitchslap

“Oh,” Lila said condescendingly. “Well, when you see Jessica, tell her to come find me, OK? I can’t wait to show off little Rich!”
“Sure, Lila,” Elizabeth said. “I’ll be sure to tell her.”
Lila turned away, searching for someone else to brag to. She started in Amy’s direction, but Elizabeth caught her arm.
“Lila, wait,” she said. Lila turned a curious eye to her. “After the prom queen is crowned, get out of the gym, OK?”
“Why would I want to do that?” Lila asked. “That’s when the fun will just be getting started!”
“That’s when the fun will just be getting started for Big Mesa,” Elizabeth said darkly.
“What are you planning?” Lila asked, trying to control her voice so it wouldn’t give away the note of fear that sounded in her head like an alarm.
“Let’s just say we took a page from John Pfeifer’s book,” Elizabeth said ominously. Bombs, bombs, bombs

“Elizabeth, you did it!” Mr. Collins said, picking up Elizabeth and twirling her around in an inappropriate fashion. “I don’t know how you came up with the religious angle, but it worked perfectly!”
He moved in as if to kiss his star student, but was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder from Mr. Wakefield.
“Mr. Collins, as your attorney, I would strongly advise you not to kiss a 16-year-old girl in the same courtroom where you were just acquitted of child molestation.” Everyone’s ready to pop