Post-coital Tristesse — Word Count: 50,052

“I’m so glad Boyd told the police where Maria was,” Elizabeth said, shivering in spite of the warm sun. “If they hadn’t gotten there when they did…”

“Don’t think like that, Liz,” Jessica said, shaking her head.

“I just can’t get that image out of my mind,” Elizabeth said. “If they hadn’t gotten there when they did, there’s no telling how many pancakes she would have eaten!”

“Not to mention how much hair stroking she would have had to sit through,” Jessica said, grimacing. “Do you know how many split ends she could have had by now?”

“I know,” Elizabeth said soberly. “But I’m glad she decided to divorce Michael Harris and abandon her kids to hook up with Winston. Maybe now he’ll shave that awful beard.”

“Well, Michael is kind of a douchebag,” Jessica said. “Although he’s kind of cute. Now that he’s single…”

“Don’t even think about it, Jess,” Elizabeth warned. “I can tell you right now that if you hook up with Michael, it’s not going to end well.”

“I guess you’re right,” Jessica said, sighing. “Plus, who wants to date a man with kids?”

“Don’t worry, Jessica, you’ll find someone,” Elizabeth said, casting a sympathetic look toward her sister. It came across as bitchy and condescending.

“Yeah, maybe it’s for the best that things didn’t work out with Stan,” Jessica mused. “Apparently, he wasn’t as wealthy as I thought.”

“Money isn’t everything,” Elizabeth pointed out, shaking her head at her sister.

Jessica laughed. “Tell that to Lila,” she said.

Elizabeth wrinkled her nose. “She really needs to watch it with that jailhouse romance she’s having with Boyd,” she said. “I know Lila and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on things, but I don’t want her to get date raped.”

“Oh, please,” Jessica said, waving a hand dismissively at her twin. “It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.”

“Jessica! That’s very insensitive!” Elizabeth cried. “Lila was really messed up after that whole John Pfeifer incident.”

“John Pfeifer,” Jessica said thoughtfully. “Whatever happened to that guy, anyway?”

“He blew himself up,” Elizabeth said. “Don’t you remember?”

Jessica shrugged. “Not really. Dead kids who used to work for The Oracle don’t really interest me,” she said.

Elizabeth didn’t respond. She merely shook her head and returned to her book. A few minutes later, Jessica broke through her thoughts.

“So did I hear correctly that Todd and Ken are back together?” she asked Elizabeth.

“Yes, they are,” Elizabeth said. “And Todd is even back to playing basketball. Of course, it’s not professional or anything, but I’m happy for him.”

“Ugh, Ken is way too good for him,” Jessica said. “Todd is boring. Boring, boring, boring.”

“Jessica, I dated him for years and years,” Elizabeth said. “I could have gotten married to him, you know.”

Jessica threw back her head and laughed loudly. “Not likely,” she said in between bouts of laughter. “Unless you grew a ten-inch dick overnight.”

“Todd isn’t a size queen,” Elizabeth said huffily. “Besides, Ken isn’t that big.”

“No, he’s small to average,” Jessica said. “Must be the ’roids.”

“Anyway, Todd realized Ken was finally the one for him after that horrible accident,” Elizabeth said, trying to ignore Jessica’s comments. “Ken being blind for two minutes really made Todd realize what’s important in life.”

“How romantic,” Jessica said sarcastically.

“Well it is, if you think about it,” Elizabeth said. “I think Todd and Ken were meant to be together. I was just fooling myself about me and Todd all these years.”

“Any danger of that with Bruce?” Jessica asked, a tiny smirk appearing on her face. “I mean, he’s not exactly the most sincere guy.”

“Oh, Jessica,” Elizabeth said in exasperation. She pulled her bookmark off the table between them and stuck it back in her book, turning to face her twin. “Bruce and I — we’re not like that.”

“Not like what?” Jessica said innocently.

“Not like, you know, dating,” Elizabeth said uncomfortably.

Jessica dramatically placed the back of her hand against her forehead and pretended to faint. “Elizabeth Wakefield, not dating?” she mocked.

“No, absolutely not,” Elizabeth confirmed, shaking her head. “I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t need a steady boyfriend at this point in my life. I’ve still got a few years to go before the biological clock ticks in, my ovaries start shriveling up and I begin making bad decisions based on the urge to procreate.”

Jessica made a face as if she’d tasted something unpleasant. “Let’s not talk about your mummified lady parts,” she said. “I’m going to puke.”

Elizabeth stared off into space dreamily. “Maybe one day, I’ll ask Bruce to be my baby daddy,” she said. “But for now, we’re just going to fuck each other senseless.”

And once again, Elizabeth began to cry.

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06 2011

2 Comments Add Yours ↓

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  1. katy #

    i have just read this entire book (was directed here by shannon’s sweet valley high blog), and i just wanted you to know that it is FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. i love everything about it, and i’m going to recommend it to all of my friends who wanted sweet valley confidential to be just like this. cheers! 🙂

  2. saucytemptress #

    Thanks so much! Glad you enjoyed it!

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